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Strategies to Manage Aggression
Women and Anger:
Research suggests that men and women experience and express feelings of anger differently. For example, it may be viewed as “manly” when a man engages in a fist fights or acts out his anger physically. By contrast, many women have received the message that their anger should not be openly expressed, as this is viewed as unpleasant and unfeminine, even dangerous. Whilst women may not be as outwardly aggressive as men in expressing their anger, they may use more “indirect” methods such as withdrawal or an ongoing suppression or “bottling’ of anger. Women are just as susceptible as men to the negative effects of chronic stress associated with feelings of unresolved and uncontained anger.
It is useful to remember that anger is a feeling, and feelings themselves do not violate anyone. It can help to make the distinction between the experience of feeling angry and the expression of that anger. When you acknowledge your anger, then you have the freedom to choose if and how you want to express it. Anger does not have to be uncontrolled.
Sometimes anger is an understandable and legitimate response. But when you are chronically angry, when your angry feelings seem out of proportion to the trigger that provoked your anger, or when angry feelings linger it is worth exploring what lies behind your anger.
Some useful questions to ask yourself….
Why am I angry right now?
What is behind my anger?
What do I need that I am not getting?
How can I safely ask for what I need?
(Dowrick, Stephanie 1997 Changing Your Life: Intimacy and Solitude Self Therapy Book)
Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation.
Some simple steps you can try:
- Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm (belly); breathing from your chest won't relax you.
- Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.
- Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination. Some suggestions: a favourite colour forming a safe, soothing, protective bubble around your body, breathing in to the image of waves rolling in on a beach and breathing out to the image of waves rolling out.
- Non-strenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer. Going for a walk, spending time in nature or stroking a pet may help restore a sense of calm.
Practice these techniques regularly. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.
Minimising or reducing stress in your life assists with managing anger. Here are some suggestions:
- Give yourself time by yourself – solitude is OK
- Give yourself regular refreshing breaks – hobbies, activities you enjoy doing…this includes doing nothing!
- Get enough sleep
- Exercise your body
- Eat nutritious food and avoid caffeine
- Use “could” and “want to” instead of “should”
- Practice relaxation
- Share the load at home as well as at work
- Compete with yourself, not others
- Avoid setting unrealistic goals or impossible deadlines
- It’s OK to feel good about yourself
- It’s OK to change your mind.
Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. Family Life provides opportunities for women to talk through these difficulties with qualified practitioners who can assist with developing healthy strategies for managing anger and other stressful emotions.
